Here’s How I learned to make Friends after Quarantine
From someone who grew up socially awkward
When I was younger, my family didn’t exactly know that I was neurodivergent until about 7 when I was diagnosed with ADHD. Recalling my first memories in preschool, I never had friends and was always considered a “troubled child” wherever I moved. I would bite and scratch people, run around acting like a cat, and throw tantrums, hold my hands in a “t-rex position”, had anger issues, never understood social cues and unspoken rules, or other’s boundaries. I often found myself getting slapped by a guardian for not being able to “have a filter” towards family and others at a young age which left me feeling extremely shameful and conflicted as to why because I didn’t understand that the things I did and said were wrong.
These issues growing up led me to overanalyzing conversations and what I wanted to say. It promoted the overthinking of simple matters when it comes to talking to people such as starting conversation, differentiating between appropriate and inappropriate topics to talk about when meeting new people, body language and how mine affected others, facial expressions, and mannerism. All of these combined led to me being very rigid, and afraid of opening up or letting others in.
Fast forward about 20 years and I’ve improved a lot. Of course, that is with the help of practice, reading books on communication and connecting with others, as well as reaching out to people. It wasn’t easy, and it was actually quite terrifying at first, however, I am still appreciative of the resources and people that have helped me grow by showing me that I’m not alone, and not so different after all. So, if you have social anxiety or have a hard time connecting with others or relate to this from another place in your life, keep reading to learn the BEST pieces of advice on how to better communicate with others and let go of social anxiety for good.
Be Your Most Authentic Self. The first and most important thing you MUST learn to do is be your most authentic self. PLEASE!! For the love of God! Doo itttttt. Here’s why.
Majority of social anxiety stems from being shut down as a child, whether that be from being made fun of for how you acted or dressed, the hobbies or interests you had, or being ridiculed or abused by adults for authentically you. Sometime along the way, you were made to feel that it’s not safe to be… you. As an example, I used to be a very rigid and dull person throughout high school. I only expressed traits that were “safe”, never let others in and was very cold and closed off.
By healing my “inner child” I realized I was only like that because I was shut down throughout my adolescence. By learning to be your most authentic self you will become more comfortable with those around you, yourself, and attract your tribe without feeling afraid.
STOP overthinking it. Stop telling yourself to follow all the “rules” you set for yourself. Stop over questioning your actions, if you should say or ask certain questions because you think they’re stupid or dull or fear the reaction of others. Stop overthinking conversation topics, your mannerism and expressions, your reactions, THEIR reactions, their micro expressions, and the pauses between sentences and silence in moments.
Learn to not care what others think. You will know you are healed when someone’s comment about your hobbies, outfit, hair, or personality don’t offend you anymore. When they don’t trigger pain or make you want to react. Learn to not care about the ridiculing opinions that target who you are.
This doesn’t mean discard criticism altogether and tell yourself it’s never your fault if in the event that you do mess up, but rather if someone comes out of nowhere to attack you. For example, you got a new haircut or a new outfit and someone says, “your outfit is ugly”, “you’re overdressed”, or “you don’t have the body to wear that” etc. Those are the type of comments you want to learn to not let bother you (Had to clarify that because I don’t want people taking this advice the wrong way).
Frequent Establishments. Making friends after quarantine AND making friends as an adult = *Double Whammie* So the best way to make friends as an adult is to frequent your favorite establishment. It could be a bookstore, cafe, studio, or even a driving range, as long as it’s a place where you can fluidly bond with others in a relaxed environment.
Join a Group. Joining a group is a GREAT idea if you want to make friends. When you join a group, you are joining an organization of people who not only share your interests but also are open to bonding. Think about it. When individuals join a group, what are they looking for? To BRANCH OUT and make friends!
List down some hobbies and head to Facebook to search for groups within your area!
Don’t be Afraid to express your “less common” Interests. Seriously! When you express your interest in hobbies that aren’t common it COULD turn people off, however, majority of people will take interest into it because it’s unusual and see it as cool or different. You never know, they might have similar “less common” hobbies that they were afraid to express too!
Say it with me, *Genuine Interest*. Instead of overthinking about HOW to start a conversation, what to ask and what to say and planning your words out like Grammarly, try asking the person about them. Look to learn more about them, listen to their stories and experiences and ask questions to learn more. People love to feel seen and heard, they will appreciate you for listening to them and that makes a bigger mark on anyone's heart instead of just talking at them. Use the 35/75 rule. 35% talking, 75% listening.
Stop Relying Only on Words. Communication is more than JUST talking. Communicating has more to do with how you say things. Your actions and mannerism, your tone, and overall enthusiasm, even through text. Have you ever texted someone who gives one word answers and texts dry? No emojis, no sparkles, no caps to emphasize, nothing? It’s boring right? It’ feels like the other person doesn’t want to talk to you? Its exactly the same in real life, except your mannerism and tone are the emojis and caps lock.
Not taking things personal. This is something that was really hard for me to work with especially since I used to have a STRONG fear of abandonment, but since then it has helped me save a few friendships in the past and that is “being okay with not being a priority in another’s life”.
I’m not telling you to make excuses for someone who never invites you places, texts you once every 3 months or always pretends to be friends with you to keep you around, however I am saying that not everyone is going to be available to hang out all the time and not everyone will respond to texts immediately or even within a few hours.
People have lives and you’re not a priority when factoring in working, household chores, family, and personal time and that’s OKAY. In fact, it’s healthy to have boundaries, put yourself first and be able to spend a week or two or even three apart and focus on just you or nurturing other friendships. If they cancel on you and rain check once in a while don’t jump to the conclusion of thinking they hate you or don’t want to be around you. Something came up, and you can try again later.
Read Up on it. There are a lot of books out there on speaking styles, people, how to create friendships, maintaining them, conflict resolution, and overall communication. Reading up on how to talk to people gives you insight on what’s worked for others and different ways of communicating. Different people speak differently, different cultures interact differently and learning them all will help you to understand others better.
Hopefully after reading my article on “How to make friends after quarantine” some of this advice will help you in the future. I will also be posting an article on Self-development and Communication books if you’d like to check it out soon! Thanks for reading and be sure to comment your opinions or subscribe for more! See you next time;)
